Redwall Torture and Tormentation
by Clarenova
Summary: What happens when you dump Redwall characters in a doorless room and torture them with my own liturature and food? *NOW A CROSSOVER with LotR!* 4 hundred times funnier now too! (At least thats what I think...) I Live Still!!
1. Long Patrol

Redwall T&T, edited version 

Here is the cast of the Long Patrol. 

**************** 

It was just another patrol. With Perigord, it was always easy and enjoyable. He and his patrol were in Redwall Abbey, for a feast, with Russano the Wise. One moment, they were at the table, the next, they were in a white room. 

Occupants: Perigord, Twayblade, Tare, Turry, Torgorch, Tammo, Pasque, Russano, Abbess Tansy, Cregga. 

Perigord: What on Mossflower? 

Abbess Tansy: Where are we? 

Russano: How did we get here? 

Tammo: Where's the food? 

All: TAMMO! 

Voice: Welcome to Redwall T&T! 

All: (Spin around) What? 

Voice: I am. The voice. I give you bad fan fiction to beta read for me. and torture you. You can't go anywhere unless I let you. Simple? 

All: ... 

Voice: I take that as a yes. Now read your first fic. It is a completely original composition by me, and you will read it and give me feedback! *Pride can be _felt_ in the room* 

A pile of paper appears on Perigord's lap. 

Perigord: Me? 

Voice: Yes you! Why would paper appear on your lap? For paper eating slugs? 

All: Paper eating slugs? 

Voice: Sigh. JUST READ IT! 

Perigord: (Hastily picking up the paper) All right marm! Don't bite off our heads, wot! 

Voice: Hmm. Good idea! 

All besides Perigord: (Glare at Perigord) What did you say that for? 

Perigord: (Turns to the story) Here it goes, chaps! 

A Day In Redwall>> 

All: ... 

Twayblade had a blade.>> 

Russano: We know. Very well. Why do you think her name is TwayBLADE? And WHAT does this have ANYTHING to do with A DAY IN REDWALL??? 

She had a blade. It was a rapier.>> 

Perigord: (Sarcastically) How informative. I bet she had a bally head, ears, eyes and a nose as well? 

She also had a head, ears, eyes and a nose.>> 

Perigord: !!! 

Twayblade: Sah, did you write this? 

Perigord: Yes, I suppose I had enough time to find paper, quill and ink while being stuck in a room without anything but four walls? And I bet I could just make us all appear in here, without a blinkin bite of food?' 

Tare: You do? 

Perigord: (Starts banging paws against the left wall) LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! 

Voice: JUST READ THE STORY! 

One day, she was walking on her mouth, and she falled down on her feet.>> 

Russano: Anybeast here who understood that sentence, raise your paw. 

Tare: (Raises paw) 

Russano: And what did it mean? 

Tare: It means that the author is insane, sah. 

Russano: We knew that already. 

Tare: We did? 

Twayblade: (Starts banging head against the wall) 

and she broked her stomach>> 

All: HOW ON EARTH DO YOU BREAK A STOMACH? 

Tare: By breaking it? 

Russano: Where you in the line when life was giving out brains? 

And Twayblade had a blade.>> 

Abbess Tansy: What does that have to do with Twayblade breaking her stomach? 

Rest of the occupants: As much as it has to do with a day in Redwall 

And that is what happens in a day in Redwall.>> 

The End>> 

Twayblade: One, I don't flippin live in Redwall, I barely even VISIT the bally place, and two WHY ME??? 

Turry: I'm a chicken. 

All: WHAT? 

Turry: And Cregga is a bat, well, at least as blind as one! 

Cregga: WHY YOU LITTLE! (Starts to lunge at Turry) 

All but Cregga and Turry: (Sit down) This could be interesting. 

Turry: Some GASP beast GASP save GASP me! 

All: Why should we? 

Turry: (Stops struggling all of a sudden.) Good point. I don't know. JUST SAVE ME! 

Perigord: (Turns away from Cregga and Turry) Y'know Twayblade, I rather like the colour of the walls. 

MV: (silently muttering) You ask for feedback and this is what you get... 


	2. Mariel of Redwall

Perigord: Great, juuuuuuust great. We're stuck in a bally room with Cregga trying to kill Turry and a mad author who is trying to force us into giving her feedback for works of ficiton that make no sense. 

Voice: Well arent we cheery today? 

Perigord: Extremely, thank you very much. So much so, in fact, that most of us are banging our heads against the wall. 

Vioce: Well, I have some good news... 

All: This can't be good. 

Voice: Enter: The cast of Mariel of Redwall 

All: MARIEL??? 

*POP!* 

Mariel, Dandin, Durry, Tarquin, Rawnblade, Clary, Hon Rosie and Thyme appear in the room. Along with them are four couches and a small, roughly carved wooden table. 

Mariel: Wha? 

Russano: Hello! Different time frame here, we're from the period of the Long Patrol, thats ermm.... More than 648968 seasons after your time frame. I'm Russano, current badger lord of Salamandastron, the other badger trying to strangle the hare is Cregga, and the hare is Turry. The rest, Abbess Tansy, Perigord, Twayblade, Tare, Torgorch, Tammo, and Pasque. Why are you here? Well, lets just say we get tortured by bad, bad, EXTREMELY bad fanfiction. Enough said, I think. 

Mariel: Wha? 

Perigord: Is that all she says? I thought, if I learnt my Redwall history well, that Mariel could say more than that. 

Mariel: WHAT? 

Perigord: Just an extra "t"? Not much, is it? 

Mariel: WHY YOU LITTLE ---! 

Perigord: *Gets up and runs* HELLP!!! 

Twayblade: *To Clary* You're a colonel, aren't you? 

Clary: Yes... It looks like Perigord didn't get past being a lieutenant, if I am able to judge from what has just happened with him and Mariel. 

Perigord: *On the floor with Mariel sitting on top of him with an evil look on her face* I'M A MAJ--- GET OFF M--- 

Mariel: Well look at this! This major here seems to have forgotten all his grammer and vocabulary! Tsk tsk! 

Voice: Now now children, don't fight, we still need everybeast alive... For the moment. 

All: *Freeze* 

Voice: What are you waiting for? 

All: *Dash for the seats, and act innocent and well behaved.* 

Voice: Good! Now read! 

*Paper drops onto Rawnblades lap* 

The madness of ThE BaaDgers>> 

Hon Rosie: WHOOHOOAHWHA! 

All: *Strange looks* 

Hon Rosie: What? 

Baadggeers are MadD>> 

All:... 

Rawnblade: Bloodwrath? 

Their I's turn purple>> 

All the badgers: WHAT? 

Hon Rosie: HWOOHAHAH! 

Badgers: *Turn and glare at Rosie* 

Hon Rosie: WHAT? 

And they fall down and start SwiNming in THe saND>> 

Rawnblade: That is just plain wrong. 

Cregga: Even I didn't do that 

And the sand turnEd GrEEn>> 

All:... 

Perigord: And I bet the sky turned yellow 

And ThE skY tuRneD yeLLow>> 

Twayblade: PERIGORD! 

Perigord: What?? I was only guessing! IT WASN'T ME! 

All: We believe you... Ho yes we do... 

And PerIgORd WrOOTe Tis>> 

All but Perigord [At the same time as Perigord]: TRAITOR! 

Perigord [At the same time as the others] : SABOTAGE! 

All: *Stare at each other* *Pound the walls* LET US OUT OF HERE! 

THE enD>> 

MV: Guys! GUYS! I want the feedback! 

Perigord: What about stop writing in both capitals and normal letters? 

MV: ... Nah. 

*Like? Hate? REVIEW!*   
  



	3. Redwall

  
Perigord: Twinkle twinkle little star...   
Clary: Itsy bitsy spider... 

Thyme: Jack and Jill went up a hill... 

Voice: STOPPIT! Your voices are driving me CRAZY! 

All: *Look at each other* Silence... Then... * To the barney theme song * I HATE YOU, YOU HATE ME, WE ARE OUT TO KILL THE VOICE, WITH A BIG FAT PUNCH AND A SABRE, ONE BIG HOIST, NO MORE BIG MYSTERIOUS VOICE! 

Voice: WHY YOU ---! 

Steam starts to pour out of the ceiling, and sparks fly from the four corners. 

Tare: Look! Fireworks! Bravo! 

Turry: And fog to go with it! Yay! 

Perigord: Those two have been in here too long... 

Twayblade: It's getting to their brains. 

Cregga: Do they even have any? 

Rawnblade: As much as they have common sense. About none at all. 

Tare & Turry: But sense is common, so everybeast has it, right? 

Abbess Tansy: Mayhap, and it had enough sense enough to elude you two. 

Tare & Turry: That's why its a sense! 

Russano: And I'm a greased frog living in a bottomless well. 

Tare & Turry: You are? 

Russano: LET ME OUT! NOW! NOWWWWW! 

Voice: Actually, I was about to let in some others. 

*POP* 

Voice: Enter Mordalfus, Matthias, Cornflower, Sam and Constance 

All but Russano: You explain. 

Russano: WHY ME??!?! 

**5 long minutes later** 

AbEsSeS and aboots>> 

Abbess Tansy: Spelling is this author's strong point, isn't it, Cregga? 

Cregga: Very true. 

MV: Feedback at last! 

Tarquin was a ahabess??>> 

Tarquin: WHAT?! I am a WHAT? 

Mordalfus: WHAT? Tarquin is a ABBESS? 

Tare: WHAT? That is how you spell abbess? I never knew! 

She WAs aN gOoD Abbbbbbbot too!>> 

Tarquin: *Jumping up and down in rage* SHE???? 

Abbess Tansy: Look! Her grammer excels all I have seen! 

Cregga: Yes, in ways that make everybeast's fur stand up straight in horror. 

Turry: ITS THE BEST PIECE OF PAPER I'VE EVER SEEN! 

All but Tare & Turry: Odd looks 

Matthias: WHAT does a piece of PAPER have ANYTHING to do with GRAMMER? 

Tare & Turry: EVERYTHING! ITS PAPER! It HAS to be related! 

*POP* Two strips of cloth appear on the table. 

Perigord: FINALLY! 

Perigord grabs the cloth and... Makes a bandana?? 

Perigord: Don't I look nice? 

All but Tare, Turry and Perigord: LET US OUUUUUUUT! 

Tare & Turry: Why?? It's so FUN! 

Perigord: *Snaps out of moment of madness* What am I doing? *Strips off the bandana and ties both of the pieces of cloth across Tare and Turry's mouths. 

Constance: There is a god!! 

Tare & Turry: MmMH MMHH MhHHm! 

Matthias: The first intelligent thing they have said so far. 

And She Died happiley ever After!>> 

All: ... 

Cornflower: HOW do you DIE happily ever after? 

Ze Ends!>> 

Cregga: *Sarcarstic* Where are the other ends? I only see one. I must be blind! 

Sam: You are! 

Cregga: Why you little-! 

Perigord: Tsk tsk marm! That's your second murder attempt already!   
  



	4. The horror, the horror!

Yes, back by popular demand, my forth chapter! Thanks for the reviews! 

A/N: No, I do not own any of the characters except my voice. Bwahaha! 

* 

Voice: Hello! 

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Voice: You all really anger me... 

All: GLUP 

Voice: SO, instead of torturing a further few characters, you will all get a DOUBLE dose of fiction... 

Durry: We be doomed! Me nuncle Gabe will be so sad! I'm thinking of ye, nuncle, even in my dying hour! 

Mordalfus: What is this thing with his uncle Gabe? 

Mariel: You don't want to know. 

Voice: AHEM! 

All: *Freeze* 

Voice: There is MORE! 

All: *Drop dead* 

Voice: TODAY, these are not REALLY fan fiction, BUT edited extracts from chats with my friends!* (A/N The fic below was merely an inside joke, we would never do that. My friends and I were talking like that because we had pet names for two other friends that were those of badgers, and those two happened to be VERY late for a certain something, so we were joking of what we would do to them in school the next day. No harm to animals, bless them, merely an inside joke, no offence to anyone or anything out there! Don't try those at home! Peace! ^_^) BWAHAHAHA! AND they are beyond mad! 

Cregga: Kill me now. 

**Suddenly, sheaves of paper start pouring out of the ceiling, all about thirty pages long, stapled together with a large red chop on the front page saying "HIGHLY DANGEROUS MATERIEL, IF FOUND, TOUCHED, SEEN, SPOTTED, DETECTED, OR FELT, IMMEDIATELY THROW, DISCARD, DESTROY, DESTRUCT, DEMOLISH, BURN, FRY, BROIL, STEAM, SCORCH, BURY, DROP, BEAT, TEAR OR ANY THING IN THAT MATTER THAT WILL SAVE THE REST OF THE WORLD FROM THIS MADNESS"**

All: *whimper* 

Nervously, Rawnblade picks up one of the uncountable sheaves of paper off his head, rips off the cover page with the chop and starts to read. 

The All Round Badger Cookbook, Extract from #TRCCR/N/2001>> 

All the badgers: Why us? 

WE TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE ARRESTED BY THE S.P.C.A, FOOD POISONING, CHOKING, GAGGING OR ANY OTHER AILMENT OF THAT SORT>> 

pART oNE: ThOSE TwO BADGERS IS DEAD>> 

Cregga: *whispers* Which two? 

Option 1: BBQED, with topping of celery>> 

Option 2: Fried, use healthy sunflower oil for best effect>> 

Option 3: Burnt, dash on a few bottles of BBQ sauce, tip the blackberry wine and nobeast'll notice>> 

Badgers: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW! 

Option 4: Steamed, chopped chinese chives do well, oh, and throw in a few portions of chinese sun hock* (fish) in for flavour>> 

Option 5: Deep fried, add rosemary, thyme and oregano for the herbal effect, don't forget to wash off excess oil first in order to avoid food poisoning 

Option 6: Boil, healthy, though rather tasteless, best add in as many sauces as one can find, e.g BBQ, Fish sauce, Soya sauce, Gravy e.t.c, or, if those are unavailable, shoe polish, car polish, bleach, washing detergent or hand soap also work well.>> 

All: Car? Polish? Shoe? Detergent? Huh? 

Voice: If you knew, you'd have long fainted, so don't ask. 

Option 7: Broil, for the healthier, yet tastier version of boiled, add mashed potatoes, garlic and tomatoes. Oh, don't forget the parsley and the pepper, and the salt, and the radish and the carrots and the nails. NAIL SOUP!>> 

All: Nail soup? 

Turry: Of I recall, it was a folk tale, a fable. 

All: It was? 

Option 8: Bake, no baking soda, bicarbonate, flour, sugar, water, milk, eggs, or any other conventional cake baking item allowed AT ALL, so STAY AWAY if you can't resist.>> 

END pARt OnE>> 

All: SIGH OF RELIEF 

Begin PaRt TwO: GeTtiNg At THe badgers>> 

All: NOOOOOOOOO! 

Option 1: Weapons: Slings, sabres, rapiers, daggers, bows, arrows, oil and torches, a pot, oh, an entire long patrol is optional>> 

All: WHAT? 

SerVing SuggeStions: Hot(stripe)dog, stew, Stripedog hotpot, dumplings, soup, badger leg, fries included.>> 

Badgers: I think I'm going to be sick. 

And to all you badgers out there, this part is for you. [INSERT STEADY STREAM OF CURSES HERE. SUCH AS THOSE BELOW &#%$^*%I*^*#$*#!%*)%^@%&#**(*%$**)$&$^##&)*$@#&($#&(%^#%^#^@!&%@^(&()&(%^&$^. MUCH BE RATED G, SO TOO BAD>> 

Badgers: %^#*(%^(@*)Q&%*(Q@%^)!@(&%()!@^%#&%*()^#Q*(%^@#()Q%&)#(&%U(#()%&()#*^%*(@   
^(%@#&*(^%*(#^%*(#^%*(#^*(%^#*(%^#*(%^*(#^ 

ZE END (FOR NOW>> 

All: SAVEEEEEEEE USSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! 

******** 

A/N: The fic above is totally mad, and we(My friends and I) were talking like that because we had pet names for two other friends that were those of badgers, and those two happened to be VERY late for a certain something, so we were joking of what we would do to them in school the next day. No harm to animals, bless them, merely an inside joke, no offence to anyone or anything out there! 


	5. LotR kicks in!!!!!!!!!

::The Ramblings of Insanity AKA Lord of the Rings crosses over... Double torture/madness::   


Disclaimer: You know it, Won't say it. 

A/N: WHOOP! I'm _baaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkk!_ Did ya guys miss me?? Yep... Its the very first MST of Redwall... now it a crossover with LotR... (Sorry, I just haaaaaaaaaddddddddd to!) Meet more madness as Perigord declares war and Elrond goes crazy... See what constance, htenywg and Jennifer Jolie have done to me? Check them out, though not _all_ of them are mad... Oh well.. Prepare for a looonggg trip into hilarious insanity... Faint hearts, proceed no further!   


***   


Voice: Lord of the Rings is coming in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And fear all, you pitiful Redwallers... THis is ALL OUT WAR BABY! *Yes, I'm high on sugar... All the better, right?* 

All Redwallers: Lord of the WHAT?! 

Voice: [Ignoring them] Oh, and before I bring them in, you _may_ need these... 

**Out of nowhere, tons of armoury and weapons come dropping out of the ceiling. And I mean A LOT...**

Perigord: My sabre!! [Perigord leaps over Dandin who was lying on the floor and grabbed the fast falling sabre before it impaled Mariel, who was directly below it. Grabbing its hilt, he yelled in relief before he landed, flooring himself.] Ouch. 

Twayblade: [Leaping over Perigord, who is sprawled on the floor] My rapierrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! [Splat.] 

**Soon, everyone is running around, retrieving fallen weapons and grabbing those still in the air. For the Redwallers, spatulas, rolling pins, rolling boards, forks and butter knives appear. Everything and I mean _everything_ is in a HUGE mess...******

**...******

**...******

**...******

**...******

**[Ten minutes later....]******

Voice: All done? 

[Muted groans of "yes" can be heard from the pile that seem to be made out of multiple Martin Swords, Gullwhackers, Spears, Quarterstaffs, Bows, Daggers, Sabres rapiers, forks, spoons and assorted Redwall China.] 

Voice: Good! Now I wish to introduce the Lord of the Rings characters... 

**Uh oh...******

**Suddenly, out of nowhere (again) out falls a few familiar faces, (well at least to LotR readers...)******

Voice: Introducing, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Arwen Udomiel, Elrond the Half Elven, Glorfindel, ex-elf of Gondolin, Frodo of the Shire, Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Thranduil, Bilbo Baggins, Legolas Greenleaf, Gimli, Boromir (Yes, I know he's dead, but!), Denethor, Faramir, Gollum, Samwise, Gandalf the White, Eowyn Shield Maiden, Theoden (Yes, he too...), Lobelia S-B, Elladan, Elrohir, Celeborn annnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd Galadriel! 

Redwallers: You call that A FEW??!?! 

Voice: Oh, is that too little? 

LotR: Ouuucchhh... Where? What? 

Elves: _By Elbereth! What madness is this?!_   
__ __

A/N: AHHHAHAHAHAH! clifflie! TOO BAD! WAIT FOR INSTALMENT NO. 2! MADDNESS ENSUES WITH THE LOTR CREW!   
  



	6. War In The Room (PLUS! A FREE APPEARING ...

::Run for Cover!:: 

Disclaimer: You know it, don't ask it. 

A/N: NOT FOR THE SANE. 

*** 

Redwallers: [Stare at the humans/elves/hobbits/gollum thingys/whoevers] 

Redwallers: HOW COME THEY HAVE WEAPONS?! 

Voice: [Hesitant] Eh heh he he heh heh... Errr... Emm... 

Redwallers: [Demanding] WHAT ARE THEY?! OTTERS? SQUIRRELS? BEAVERS?! OVERGROWN BADGERS WITH A BIG HAIR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!? 

Voice: Eh heheheheh.... 

LotR: WHAT ARE THEY?! [Glare at Redwallers, who have positioned themselves directly opposite the room, both sides with weapons drawn and a white couch that just happened to appear in the middle.] 

LotR: WHERE ARE WE? Are they even friendly? 

Voice: Eh hehehehehe.... Hey guys, I think I put the kettle on, gimme a second will ya? Good luck in finding friends! 

**Voice disappears.**

Cricket: Chrrp! Chrrrrp! 

Water: Drop! Drip! Drop! 

Thranduil: [Bow drawn] Who, or should I say, WHAT are they vile, overgrown forest critters? 

Skipper: [Bow drawn] What are these strange animals with no fur? 

Aragorn: [Anduril drawn] Why are they carrying weapons? And SALAD FORKS? 

Abbot Mordalfus: [Neutral, but salad fork out all the same. Cautious] Are they from Mossflower or beyond? 

Legolas: [Bow strung taunt. Tilts his head to Elrond, though not taking his aim off anybeast, or specifically Arven (Dibbun), who seemed to have appeared with the couch and was prancing around with a cooking pot on his head and wielding a bent spoon screaming out some Dibbunish words that no one, or nobeast, could understand.] You are here too, Lord? I suppose this is some mad joke the hobbits pulled on us. [Here he receives many death glares from the hobbits, whom he did not realize were in the same room as himself. Elbereth save his soul later...] Maybe they are from beyond Fangorn, Lord Elrond? Or perhaps the Rhun Hills? 

Elrond: [Holding a Elven blade] I know not, prince of Mirkwood... Mayhap a mutated magic experiment by the late Dark Lord? 

Eowyn: Then it is dark indeed, Lord... 

Mellus: THATS IT! STOP IT, RIGHT NOW, BOTH OF US! 

Cricket: Chrrp! Chrrp! 

Mellus: THANK YOU! NOW! We explain, RATIONALLY, with NO, and I mean **NO** weapons, WHO the OTHER is, while trying NOT to behead or kill anyone in the room. I want all of us to... EPK! 

All the elves carrying bows: *Smirk* 

**Mellus, along with her tunic, is stuck to the wall, a green flighted arrow in the upper right shoulder area, barely missing the flesh. A golden flighted arrow penetrated her left, sticking that to the wall as well. A White flighted one is embedded in the lower left, and another white one in the lower right. Another green arrow, this one tipped with gold, landed neatly above her forehead, shaving off the fur and cutting a path through her headfur.**

**...**   
**...**   
**...**

**Culprits:**   
**White & White: Elladan and Elrohir of Imladris (Rivendell)**   
**Golden: Celeborn, formerly of Doraith, (ex)Lord of the Golden Wood.**   
**Green: Legolas of Mirkwood, son to Thranduil.**   
**Green & Gold: Thranduil, Legolas' father.**

Cregga: THATS IT! THIS IS WAR!!!! 

Russano: CHAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!! 

Aragorn: [Wearing the same grin as that of the time in the Movie while fighting the Ringwraiths on Weathertrop] THIS, is going to be a change... Funfunfun! 

Eowyn: Anyone happen to have a spare sword? 

**On cue, two swords fall from ceiling, nearly landing on her head, had not Galadriel, also empty handed, rescued her, took one for herself and passed the remaining one on to Eowyn.**

Eowyn: Thanks! 

Arwen: [Takes out well hidden dagger] 

Elrond: Since WHEN, young lady, did you have that? 

Arwen: Eh hehehehhehehe... [Hides behind Elladan and Elrohir, who are both wearing equal "innocent" expressions, fooling no one, I might add.] 

Elrond: Amin autien ndengina lle er re!*1 

Arwen: Eep! 

Elrond: When we get back... 

**Switch to Redwall Side**

Hares are arming up to the teeth, and badgers are wielding crazily oversized battle spears. Friar Hugo pops up with 3 cooking knives, All the Abbots and Abbesses abandon peacefulness, Dibbuns are prancing around with clay plates over their heads and everything is in chaos. 

Tare & Turry: This now, is how to get rid of disturbers of the peace... 

Torgorch: [Snickering to Perigord] Yeah, throw those two in, and yore vermin'll be fleeing from fear of insanity faster than you can say "flan" wot! 

Perigord: [Snigger] 

Rawnblade: This is a change from the daily vermin raids... 

Cregga: Talk about different... Never seen anything like this since the Exploding Tarquin trick that that babe tried to pull off... 

Mellus: Help? Somebeast? 

[Everybeast is ignoring her, and her tunic is practically in shreds...] 

Matthias: Never seen so many Martin Swords in me life! 

Abbot Mordalfus: Thats because you've only seen one. 

Matthias: [Scratches head] Good point, father abbot! 

Russano: Thats it, we've been delaying! HARES! Fall in ranks! First rank...! 

**Back at the Lord of the Rings side of the couch...**

Elrond: First rank archers! Load! 

[Sound of strings being pulled taunt, from both sides] 

Elrond and Russano: Stay! 

**Archers take aim. The Elves are looking as composed as they always are, but Eowyn is practically jumping up and down.**

Eowyn: At LAST! Sheesh! Gondor was getting all boring and such, and Faramir won't let me walk more than a mile out of the range of the Realm! THIS is going to be _funnnnnnnnnnn!_

_***_

_A/N:_ GO ME! MASTER OF EVIL CLIFFHANGERS! BWHAHAHAHAHAH! *Yes, I still am on high* What happens next? Stay tuned! 

1* I am going to kill you one day... 


	7. Going Hoooooomeeeeeee

::For my Loyal following:: 

* 

Right as the first arrow was released, there was a sharp sound much like the breaking of glass, and the arrows fell down to the ground, Matrix style, as if they had lost all kinetic energy as the kinetic energy had been transformed into multiple types of energy, combined with friction and air pressure, such as heat energy, sound energy, perhaps potential energy, and following the Law of Conservation, saying that energy is never created or destroyed, I hereby declare this a run on sentence. Well, for the more normal race of my readers, it basically means the arrows stop. 

Bella: What the-? 

The elves' grins faded when the voice reappeared. It did not sound to happy. 

MV: My goodness! I leave to put the kettle on the stove for five minutes and already you few try to behead each other? Thats it, the Lord of the Rings people are leaving. Say your goodbyes, *snigger* now. 

Eowyn practically went insane when she heard that, whining at the top of her voice, stamping around the room in an angry rage. Faramir was desperately trying to calm her, to little or no avail. 

Eowyn: *Stamping her foot like a child* I do NOT want to go home! It isn't FUN in Gondor! Faramir just sits there with all his important papers, and I CAN'T go and CHOP off some orc! The white city is SO boring! 

Faramir: Eowyn dear, don't worry, what do you want? Diamonds? Gold? A pet? *Points to Skipper, while the big otter descends on him with his bow*, erm er, scratch that part dear, *Backing away from Skip* What about a new house? A horse? A visit to Rivendell? 

Eowyn: *Throws a punch at Faramir* 

In her raging fit, he threw her dagger with deadly force across the room, successfully shaving another part of Mellus' headfur off, which resulted in a badger with a mohawk pinned to the wall. Skipper decided that he was going to ignore that fact, joining Dandin in a sniggering contest while the mother badger was rendered helpless. 

Mariel braved enough to move to the head of the LotR members, prodding Elrond and Thranduil with her paw. 

Mariel: Prod. 

Elrond: What? 

Mariel: Prod. 

Thranduil: What? 

Mariel: Prod prod. 

Thranduil and Elrond: WHAT? 

Mariel: Do you people say anything besides what? 

Thranduil: We would if you would stop prodding us! 

Mariel: Stop prodding? Why? Prod. 

Dandin: *Coming over, trying to ease off Mariel's curiosity for human beings* Lets go, shall w-- 

Mariel: *Absent mindedly swinging her Gullwhacker behind her, taking Dandin inbetween the eyes* 

Abbot Mordalfus had actually managed to wrangle, erm, sensible conversation with Glorfindel, and a pile of books had magically appeared in front of the blond haired elf lord and the ageing mouse abbot. 

Mordalfus: So what are your people like? 

Glorfindel: We have so many cultures and *blahdiblah diblah blah blah di blah blah* Here, why not take this: Archive 253966923560 Book number 3750357027027602397, Histories of Middle Earth, or Archive 27501571037601276012762076907, book number 37015710276027603276297607290769276, the Tales of the Elves? 

Mordalfus: I think I shall! Why don't you take my Historian Record 15707609724907890809, about Redwall Abbey, or Record 99997620999999999999999999, of Mossflower and Salamandastron? 

Arven was having a very interesting time, having somehow managed to get his pot over Legolas' head, and was now banging it with a wooden spoon, sending the elf howling. Sensitive ears were not always a good thing. Tansy was desperately trying to peel him off, only to be whacked between the ears with the spoon. 

Interesting how the races intermingle... 


	8. Staying Away!

::Food Taste!:: 

A/N: No bloopers. Whimper. Heck, this isn't a blooper, so WHO CARES? Besides... I LIVVVVVVVVVE! You didn't think you'd see me every again, huh? So enjoy! 

* 

MV: Since you guys have been so... _civil_ to each other for the past hour, I've decided to let the LotR people stay! Isn't that nice? 

*There was an immediate rush. Bernard and Glorfindel suddenly seemed to be attacking each other with their history volumes, though it was quite obvious that Glorfindel was carrying a Redwall volume and Bernard a Histories of Middle Earth volume... Arven, who had been playing "Kitchen" with Legolas, began hammering the elf with the pot, even though it was evident that the pot never touched the elf at all... Mariel was play attacking Thranduil and Elrond with a dagger, but the dagger was suspiciously of Elvish make, and both Elves bows were notched with arrows. Pointing in the wrong direction. Matthias and Aragorn, who were comparing Anduril with the makes of Martin's sword (well, one of them, at least), were suddenly locked hilt-to-hilt. All would have seemed well save for the fact that Anduril was in Matthais' paws and Aragorn held Martin's blade aloft. Skipper, who had been showing his bow, together with one of his otter friends, to Elrohir and Elladan, suddenly made as if to attack each other. Nobeast seemed to mind that Skipper and his friend were carrying Elladan and Elrohir's bows, and the two elves notched bows against their owners. Gimli and Colonel Cornspurrey, who had been testing axe against axe, seemed to have missed the fact that axes were held with blade up, and not like a croquet club... Galadriel, whom had been helping Mellus off the wall, suddenly snatched one of the arrows off and pretended to be threatening to stab Mellus with it. All in all, the Voice was obviously not impressed with their shows of "disgust and hate".* 

MV: Nice try, guys. 

Everybeast/body groaned and cut off their pretence, returning weapons and exchanging apologies accompanied by sheepish smiles. 

MV: Now, if everybody is done, please, for the sake of your life, move to the walls of this room. 

Cricket: CHIRP! 

Nobody moves. 

MV: NOW! 

Everybody moved. 

MV: Better. Now watch. 

*Pop!* 

A HUGE table appears. 

_Oh dear.___

MV: Now. YOU! 

Elladan: Who, me? 

MV: Yes you. Spin the Evil-Twister-Thing. 

Elladan: What Ev-. Oh. 

Elladan, along with the rest of the cohort, noticed the big, suspicious swivel arrow that one used in the Twister game. Tentatively, he reached out, as if the big ominous black thing would leap up and bite him, and gave it a turn with a quick, deft flick of the wrist. Numerous eyes followed its path around the table as it spun, stopping to rest at Glorfindel. The MV cackled with insane happiness. With a **_*POP*_**, the spinner disappeared, leaving the table once again clear for whatever apocalyptic abomination that the MV willed to impale upon them. Glorfindel looked relatively unaffected, save that his fallow hair looked bright in comparison to his suddenly cadaverous looking face. His azure coloured eyes eyed the table with apprehension. 

_The Balrog was better than this.___

Arven screamed with glee as he saw the Elf so frightened, scampering up Legolas' head and leaping onto Elrond's before jumping Celeborn and finally landing on Glorfindel's lap like some mad tree monkey set loose. The Elf lord absently picked him up, wincing as Arven's soup ladle crashed onto his head, and passed the rouge Dibbun to Tansy, who tried to shush him as well as he could. With another *POP* a bowl appeared in front of him. It was steaming, and a sweetly sour smell that was reminiscent of Thai chilli drifted in the air. One could practically _feel _the omnipotent exaltation of the MV. A spoon carefully materialized on the side of the dish. Glorfindel looked appalled, blanching at the inevitable knowledge that he was going to have to _eat_ the thing in front of him. The others watched in unpronounced horror bordering at comicalism at the look on Glorfindel's face. MV popped out, cheery as ever. 

MV: This, my friends, is Tom-Yam soup, well known to those East in my world, relatively well known to the West, and unknown to your kind. It has the following traits: 

**_Extreme hotness, resulting in the signature burning taste due to the chilli mixture._****__**

**_Burning qualities that result in many dashing for liquids of any sort._****__**

**_Pungent yet sweet taste._****__**

**_For the acquired taste, it takes some getting used to, but is relatively harmless to those in my world with their not-as-potent-as-Elves senses._****__**

**_Outcome when tested on Elves as yet unknown._****__**

**No_ water will be provided, and the forfeit is as noted: Drink another two bowls if you don't finish the first._****__**

**_Further forfeiting for forfeiting the forfiet will result in the addition of another bowl to each level of forfiet._**

* 

Glorfindel looked ready to hurl himself off Caradhras. Anticipation hung in the air as the Elf-lord picked up the spoon, dread seething off him as he eyed the foreboding bowl of Tom-Yam with the air of someone going into battle. He spooned it up. Tom-Yam, as most obvious to see from the reaction on Glorfindel's part, did not react favourably with Elves. Glorfindel, a hardy elf on his part, winced as he swallowed, his eyes watering at the searing heat that seemed both from the taste of the soup and from the heat of it. It was pure torture to anyone unused to chilli, seeing as the MV had put in _a lot_ of it, but to an Elf with pronounced senses... Shaking, Glorfindel forced down another spoonful, his taste buds crying for water, and his face contorting with every swallow. A few agonizing minutes later, he pushed the empty bowl away, collapsing back onto his chair. Everyone, and beast, cheered. The MV popped up. 

MV: Yes, yes, very nice. I suppose for surviving the first trail you deserve a break... 

With a small pop, a cool wine bottle of *wine*appeared on the table. Known to everyone is that wine does not go well with stuff like Tom-Yam, but Glorfindel did not seem to care as his shaking hand poured a cup and drowned it in a millisecond. After quenching his thirst with the not-very-satisfactory wine, he waited for further instructions. The MV cackled again. 

MV: Well, what are you waiting for? Spin it! 

The Tom-Yam now cleared, the Evil-Twister-Thing had reappeared. Glorfindel practically flung it away from him as he spun it, praying feverishly that it did not land on his. Lo. It landed on Perigord, the Evil-Writer-That-Was-Not. Oh dear. 


	9. Flying Greens

Perigord: *whimpering* Please, please, I don't want to die young! 

Twayblade: Maybe, brother, if you stop whimpering, you will discover you aren't exactly a spring chicken here... 

Perigord: I'm not a chicken. I'm a hare. 

Twayblade: You seem to have missed my point here... 

Perigord: Have I? 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Twayblade: Yes! 

Perigord: No. 

Rest of the room: SHADDAP! 

Twayblade: *whispering* Yes! 

Cregga: *Whomping Twayblade with a large paw* 

Russano: Score! 

Elladan: Isn't 

Elrohir: that 

Elladan: so 

Elrohir: cute 

Elladan: ? 

MV: Will all of you just keep quiet?! 

Water and crickets could once again be heard in the room as the quiet eventually settled in. Hrumphing, the MV caused another bowl to appear on the table. The thick liquid like substance was still glooping air bubbles towards its green surface. Perigord whimpered. The rest edged their seats slowly away from him. 

MV: Meet Green Curry! The same rules apply to-! 

Before the MV could continue, Arven had somehow lost his footing in the process of jumping from person to beast. And landed straight into the curry. Howling, the baby squirrel leapt out, causing the curry to spill partially onto Perigord and anybeast/body sitting next to him, then took the bowl and flung it into the air, causing splatters of curry to fly across the table, before leaping and jumping in mad circles around the table and getting curry into fur and hair alike. Cregga was now coloured green and white, and Galadriel had a green dress. The bowl, thankfully plastic, clattered onto the table. The now Not-So-White-Room waited for their judgement, as the MV's anger could be felt very ominously in the room. Even Arven had stopped squealing. 

Uh oh. 


End file.
